Take it From the Top Dog: Our Tips for Being a Successful Office Dog in a Tech Start-Up
You know those days when you are busy Googling top-of-the-range, reliable, functional, cloud-based EPOS systems featuring affordable monthly price plans, and you end up on a page about how to be the best office dog in town? And then you can’t help but read on because it seems amusing, work is doing your head in, and there’s a picture of quite possibly the cutest little business-pooches you’ve ever seen smack bang at the top of the page? Yeah, it happens all the time! Well, now you’re here, you may as well find out how to work your way up to the top of the office pecking (or barking) order.
Appropriate attire for the office:
Coming to work ‘dressed to impress’ is a sure-fire way to secure yourself the position of ‘top dog’, as well as a promotion in the patting department. This works especially well with visitors.
Hopefully you will know a friendly human or two to get your paw-in-the-door at your office of choice. Try not to get distracted by food or the door buzzer and look well-behaved for a successful interview.
This is one of the primary tasks you will be expected to perform and, as such, it is essential to follow the correct etiquette. Upon being alerted by the door buzzer, it is of paramount importance to stop what you are doing and bound to the main entrance. Visitors should be jumped up on for closer inspection, and if they look suspicious or postman-like, bark loudly at them to alert absolutely everyone in the office of their presence.
Visitors often arrive with the purpose of meeting one of the office humans. You should always escort them into the meeting room. It’s important they stay warm and comfortable during these meetings to ensure maximum efficiency while they develop their point of sale technology. Tip One: lick their faces to keep them focused on the agenda. Tip Two: keep the boardroom clean and tidy by remaining vigilant and promptly devouring any dropped biscuits.
Recruitment drives and photo shoots:
An office dog’s work is never done. In order to provide such an effective, reliable EPOS system for our customers, we need the crème de la crème of developers and other staff. To attract the best talent, we require the best advertisements. Normally this will involve posing for Nigel, our in-house designer, sometimes for literally minutes on end until he finally takes a good picture with his sausage fingers. Expect payment in form of Jumbones. NB: It’s best not to offer designers credit for this kind of work. If possible, obtain payment in advance and flee, you can always come back later at a time that works better for you.
As above, patrol of the premises is important to avoid unwanted visitors. However, you should also keep a close eye on goings-on outside the office via any accessible windows. Barking loudly at suspicious passers-by will alert the humans to potential danger. Lying half-way up the stairs is a great way to maintain easy access to either floor and gain an excellent overview of the office; don’t worry about getting in the way, security is more important. Unattended bag checks should also be in place for any items left under desks; they may even contain a lunch advance if you are lucky.
Health and well-being:
Regularly stand in the path of any humans in order to lengthen their route slightly or encourage them to lunge over the top of you. This will contribute to happier, healthier office humans. Help them to avoid excess intake of calories by being available to take the ‘calorie bullet’ instead. Poking humans with toys will also encourage them to take breaks more often – ensure that you spend enough time doing this to cover the whole office.
And there you have it: how to be the best in the dog-eat-dog world of business. That’s five to ten minutes of your life that you’re never getting back.